


the thrill of it all

by baunitchief (emeryazure)



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Warning there's some intense language, hella angst, set in s8, so uhhh painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 18:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13642005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeryazure/pseuds/baunitchief
Summary: when JJ receives her souvenir from London, she can't help but rehash all that she's lost...





	the thrill of it all

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is mostly inspired by the new sam smith album, but mostly the song of the same name but just in general this album gives me all kinds of feels for jj and emily. also this one goes out to all the folks on the unit chief wives trash discord who were patient and a constant inspiration as i bitched and whined and crawled through this thing last night. thank you, guys!
> 
> i’m the sole editor and i own nothing but the headcanons.

JJ was staring at the damn miniature red double-decker bus that Garcia had brought back from her and Morgan’s trip to London to help Emily move in. She knows there’s no real significance behind the inanimate object but she can’t help staring at it regardless. She knows it doesn’t actually represent the distance or how they’d travel anywhere for the other. She knows this was just some cheesy souvenir but it doesn’t stop the symbolism from sneaking and slipping its way in through her psyche.

She knows she’s supposed to be feeling high off of the honeymoon phase that comes with being a newlywed but all JJ was feeling right now was regret. She knows she shouldn’t be thinking this way, not when she had made all these decisions on her own accord. Not when she had run back to Will all those years ago, talking about being scared and god, she knows she’s a goddamn hypocrite and a liar no less.

She had never told anyone about the nights that she and Emily shared all those years ago now too. At the time, her and Will were nothing. There was no Henry and no real relationship to breakup, just to be shoved back together by something so stupid, so petty.

JJ sighs thinking about those nights, all the nights when they were a contingency, an almost and a damn real possibility. The only time in her life that she ever allowed herself to truly and wholly connect to another person. There was the job that she so often had to separate herself from to stay sane, she had a persona, sure but she has never felt love the way she did all those nights that were so few and far between. She doesn’t let herself think about every moment she had been a damned coward. And now she’s confident she's lost her chance with the woman she knew to be her soulmate, maybe for good.

She hadn’t told Will that there had been someone else when they were no more than friends with benefits at all. She hadn’t been honest with him about her all too real feelings for her best friend cause if she lets herself think about it, that was what she was truly afraid of at the time. That was nearly five years in the past and she still could not let go of how stupid she had been to choose the safest option. She was a small town girl and small town girls don’t fall in love with big city women. That’s not how this works.

She chose what was expected of her, of course she did. JJ always defied odds up until a point, up until a point of choosing her own happiness. She laughs ruefully thinking about this. Emily was the exact same way. When the brunette had told her to go for Will, JJ’s pretty sure it was an ultimatum… subtle but it was there. She knew that it wasn’t malicious or manipulative; it was just Emily begging her to _choose her happiness_. And god, does JJ regret more than anything the nearly spiteful choice she made that night.

No, not regret. She can’t regret it truthfully because she has her beautiful little boy. But my god, how had she been so naïve to all of what she truly lost that night? She thinks of how much she has grown up in just a few short years but she hasn’t quite grown out of the cowardice however. Emily had allowed her to choose her happiness but instead, she chose her own misery again and again.

Thinking about the fact that that wasn’t even the end of them is the worst of it all. God, she was honestly _pathological_ in her lying at this point. She could get caught in her web of lies if she wasn’t careful. _Will didn’t even know about Paris_. He thought she had been in Afghanistan all that time. No one knew, no one except Emily.

No one knows about the nights cooped up in the little inn on the outskirts of the city of love. No one knows about the sweat they had shared, their scents adjoining in the room and the shared heartbeats moving rapidly and slowing and how JJ got lost in the sound of the brunette’s syncopation. No one, not even Emily, knows the tears that she had shed on the way back to the warzone that had absolutely nothing to do with the job.

The way Emily had just walked away so swiftly and coldly from that café in Paris after she had finally secured her identities, that had nearly torn JJ to shreds. _Cause she knew_ , Emily Prentiss was no one’s fool. Emily thought she knew exactly what Paris meant but did she really understand what it meant to JJ? No, probably and definitely not. Or else she couldn’t and wouldn’t allow the charades to continue.

What’s worse, truly worse is that even after having mourned the loss of her friend… her lover… and then gaining her back again, JJ still could not budge from her fear. She could not move her feet forward, she could not be brave. She was only brave when someone else’s happiness was at stake. Yet her own was at stake, Will’s was at stake and Emily’s was up for grabs and yet she was selfish, so incredibly selfish.

Especially when JJ and Emily both returned to the BAU but by that point, what had been lost and what had been cemented in stone that couldn’t be broken? JJ found out just what all that encompassed when the brunette returned and in the oddest ways they were closer than ever but there was a wall there, something in the depths of the older agent had shut down and she had managed to compartmentalize _them_ , together. And JJ knew that that was something she could never do entirely, not at all.

They were the closest of friends but every time JJ found herself alone in Emily’s presence, it was never more. Every time she tried to feel the brunette’s arms around her again just one more time, to have her hold her, Emily couldn’t. And JJ couldn’t blame her, not really. But she was selfish, that much was proven with the ache. No, the stinging, shooting agony of rejection that had shot through her more than a bullet or knife or bomb or even a damn stake ever could. Maybe that’s what lead her to her biggest mistake and her worst of regrets.

Nearly a year after Emily had returned, JJ was beyond dejected. For all the time they had found themselves together laughing and sharing and spending time, she somehow felt closer to the woman while yet the brunette seemed to be in a void of distance from her. She didn’t know if it was the rest of the team’s reaction to her return or whether it was her but she knew the look in Emily’s eyes and the unease in the shift of her weight without words to confirm them. The older agent was crawling out of her skin for one reason or the other. One foot already out the door, primed to run as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

The opportunity came in the simple fact of roots. Emily was trying to find a place of her own but she just couldn’t do it while JJ had all the while been avoiding any semblance of real commitment herself. Yes, she was as committed as she’d always been to Will since they had Henry anyway because they were never stronger than as a parental unit. JJ was proud of that and she loves the man enough, she thinks anyway. He is a good father but just not… as her other half or… anything even remotely close to that.

Then Izzy Rogers and Matthew Downs happened. JJ could not have prepared, waking up on that day, for how her world would spin and tilt on its axis. She has always felt a sense of protection over Will for some reason, for all of his shortcomings as a lover for her. He is the father of her child, her son and her co-parent and most of the respect she has for the man is instilled in watching him raise their son. But honestly, she hates that she can so readily admit that’s all there is for her anymore.

But something about that day, everyone had the day off and it was so rare and it could’ve been so beautiful. She remembers being excited for Emily to finally be choosing the house she would be settling into and to know that one of the places she was looking at wasn’t more than a few streets away was an even bigger comfort. Though she knew things might never be the same between them again, she found peace in this still somehow.

But then the call came and their off day was no longer that, they were full steam ahead. She knew Will was a first responder at the scene but she hadn’t let herself truly worry too much. Yet when she arrived at the scene maybe the old liaison in her put up a front, she ran and gave him a hug but she hadn’t felt the real concern however. It’s such an odd thing, devoting most of your spare time to a person who you don't exactly rush to be by their side for. She wore such a lovely mask though. That was for sure. A big, worried sea in her eyes, hand connected but heart connected elsewhere.

As her, Reid and Emily were ordered back to the BAU, she found herself astounded by the brunette’s sudden leadership. She seemed to be guiding them in the direction that was most clear and precise and JJ can’t say she was exactly surprised, she always knew Emily was a natural leader. But what had shocked all of them was that Clyde Easter had called. The bastard always had a way at showing up at the most inopportune times.

Then the words that JJ never thought she’d hear. It had seemed a very case oriented conversation until Emily scoffs, “Work for Interpol again? That’ll be the day.” And JJ tries so hard to hide, to stay neutral, she tries to keep the mask firmly set but the sharp peaking of her brows and the widening of her eyes give away her complete and utter shock. And the way that the older agent turns away with whatever Easter’s next offer was speaks louder than words ever could.

“It’s a hell of a time to bring that up,” Emily’s stunned words and the gravity in her tone told JJ more than she wanted to know. JJ wanted to roll her eyes, she wanted to scream but all she could do is stare ahead in that moment, blankly and shift her eyes. Suddenly her safe space here with Emily felt invaded by this foreign force once again and the voices would not quiet. _Why was it always this?_

JJ’s right eyebrow arches as she looks down awkwardly, her lips set in a purse as her jaw clenches in anger. She dares think that Will would never abandon her like this. _How selfish_ , JJ knows in retrospect that thought had been. And the knife that was already digging deeper inside her chest was twisted when Emily allows the words, “You find me a connection I can use and maybe we’ll discuss it.”

That had been it, the final wound, the final nail and the final statement that left JJ convinced that the brunette would never choose her or care enough to even try. But now she knows that she never gave Emily the option to choose her. JJ’s disbelieving and inquiring stare bore through the older woman at the time but even the shake of her brunette head did nothing to reassure the younger blonde.

And then the situation had escalated beyond their control and Will had walked into that damn bank full of unknowns and something leapt in her stomach. It was true because this was the father of her child and her son needed his father. She needed Emily who was contemplating leaving and then Henry’s father willingly walks into an unpredictably dangerous situation. All this is why she truly went kicking and screaming and fighting against Morgan, hell, against Emily herself. It was only a few minutes before the gunshots rang out.

Time moved in milliseconds as they had decided to go in until the point that the hostages came out and then the bomb went off. Loud, ringing sounds reverberating in her skull as the blast had her face down on the pavement but she was quickly up and talking to Derek and for some reason, inquiring about Will. But Derek asked the seemingly simple question of, “Where is Emily?”

That’s all it takes for JJ to find the adrenaline and strength to run as fast as she could into the remnants of the building yelling Will’s name when the only name running through her mind was Emily’s. But when she finally hears the older woman’s voice, she can breathe again as she makes her way over to truly make sure that she’s really alright.

As JJ hears the older lady victim sitting next to her husband whisper, “Just let me stay with him, please,” something snaps within her that sends her back down the trail of the father of her child. It had been a small moment but it had been the absolute defining moment. Maybe that was the real moment that it had all gone wrong, maybe that was the exact moment that their paths split completely down the middle and they ended up with entirely different lives now.

JJ can’t even think about the moment that both Will and Emily were inside of Union Station with a bomb because that is not something she lets herself think about. No, she can’t. That is a moment hidden away, folded and kept and locked in a box in the furthest and darkest corners of her mind. It’s probably the same box that she keeps the thoughts and memories of her wedding that had happened the following weekend too, truthfully.

The younger woman didn’t quite know that Emily was leaving then but somehow, somewhere she did. She figures maybe that’s the soulmate part connecting them beyond mere appearances to each other’s depth. Or maybe she’s just being ridiculous and has never felt so fucking lonely in her entire life until now. Until Emily Elizabeth Prentiss walked out of her life for what seemed like the last time.

She looks at the damned double-decker bus and it hurts even worse now. No, it damn well pisses her off but she knows she has no rights to anger or hatred or any of those things towards that woman. That woman who literally offered her the choice of happiness and believed the blonde had chosen truthfully. JJ just shakes her head at the ridiculous thought. And then Emily fucking Prentiss had to go and save her would-be husband’s life within a second’s time. _How had that happened? And how had it all gotten so screwed up?_

In such a short span so much had changed yet everything remained the same, except Em, except her love and except for the life that she truly wanted with who she wanted it with. She was gone and it makes her so angry, she throws the tiny offending red bus into the trash vehemently. She couldn’t live in it, she couldn’t dwell in it because the problem is that it is reality now. There’s no taking these things back, not after six years. It was her, Henry and Will now. Not ideal but it was real and all she had left.

That’s when JJ’s phone at her desk chimes suddenly with a notification that she’s all too familiar with. It was the online Scrabble app and guess who else other than Blackbird70 had played a word? She wants to roll her eyes at the stupid routine they still carried on but she knows it’s not fair when she opens the app anyway. It's the only thing they were good at anymore, playing games. She reads the word she can’t even pronounce, ‘ _saudade_ ’ was sprawled out on the tiles and JJ didn’t even begin to know what she was looking at.

With a shake of her head, she pulls open her texts and clicks on the older woman’s name and simply types, “What does that word mean?”

She waits patiently back for a reply, technically she could look it up on google but she needed to hear it for the sources’ mouth. Or well, fingers anyway. “It’s Portuguese,” the older woman replies simply enough.

“But what does it mean?” comes JJ's almost too quick reaction but it seems Interpol is already boring Emily as she quickly shot back.

“Vague but in constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist,” says the dark haired woman mysteriously.

And Jesus, does that cut to the core of who JJ is and her life in general. Emily's existence as well. She wonders if that’s valid, if it’s real, the desire from Emily for her after all of this. It hadn't felt that way. And did she feel it too or was she simply too numb anymore? She is quickly drawn away from the phone, lost in her thoughts again but as soon as she starts to type another message comes through, just a confusing as the scrabble word had been. “ _Ya’aburnee_ ,” pops up on the screen.

“Okay, now you're just fucking with me,” JJ types out and sent. This was cruel and unusual but Emily Prentiss was good at that kind of thing.

“It means 'you bury me' in Arabic,” Emily says simply and god, does that sink into the depths of JJ's being, with all that Emily had experienced or rather hadn't experienced in the after life, it was certainly far too cruel a word. "I'm just saying it could've been worse."

“Em...” JJ trails off as she types. “No, I don't think much could be worse than right now, me without you here.”

She nearly scoff at the brunette's words in response, “There's a french phrase for that, you know? La douleur exquise; exquisite pain but more specifically the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have and I can relate to that.”

“But do you, really?” JJ had to ask cause most of the time it didn't feel that way cause Emily goddamn Prentiss was so good at masks, and JJ was only getting better, that she didn't even know what she truly meant to the woman anymore.

“I do but I will leave you with one more word to mull over; _retrouvailles_ ,” and when JJ inquires as to what it means, she gets no reply, just simple radio silence from the older woman and Interpol chief. So she finally decides to heed to google...

She finds that the word simply means  _homecoming_.

**Author's Note:**

> ps: this is almost a prequel sort of thing to an epic fic that i'm writing for Jemily week on tumblr. so be prepared because if you thought this was angsty...


End file.
